How do you know the man you’re waiting for is worth your time?
I’m gonna answer this question with as much sincerity and honesty as possible, and from the perspective of personal experience. Ultimately, there is no one size fits all answer since relationships vary like fingerprints, so take what you need, and leave the rest. But this is MY perspective on why I’m worth the time my wife is sacrificing for me and for our relationship. My goal is to give you some truths, with hopes that it’ll help you decide (in part or whole) whether the man you’re with is worth your time. fair? okay….
Everyday I wake up in a dark place and the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes, is her*Hadiyya Qayem*(how my baby doing? hope she’s havin’ a great day). When I see her I see the sunshine in her eyes, she is the light of my life. I tend to be honest to a fault, but my wife appreciates it because it gives her the freedom to make decisions based on specifics and truths, as opposed to having to navigate a relationship in a cloud of ambuguity and lies. Early on, I promised my wife that I’d always tell her the truth even if it was hard, and that’s just how our relationship is; I never lie to her, or purposely keep things from her. Knowing the inconsistencies and unfair treatment she’s endured in past relationships (including our 1st go round), its important to me, that my actions don’t add to that pattern. And she operates the same with me. Every move I make is deliberate, I don’t speak much about what I’m gonna do I just do it, because as we all know, all the words in the world mean absolutely nothing without action. Anyone at anytime can ask my wife “is your husband a man of his word?” and they’ll always get a resounding “Yes!” I love my wife, her love awakened my soul to act with purpose and transparency. Having a 2nd chance at her heart, it was imperative that I get it right, despite my current circumstances. I knew I needed her, and more importantly I knew she deserved the best of me, so I made no qualms about removing anything or anybody from my life that would create friction for our relationship. I WANT(ED) to be a good man to her, so I made/make the necessary steps to be just that. Daily. She is my heavenly reward (for what, im still not sure), so the LEAST I can do to repay my God for the blessing that she is, is to treat her with the utmost respect, love and care in every way.
That being said, I want you sisters to keep in mind that a relationship with a prisoner has the capacity to be just as amazing, or trivial, as a relationship with a man who’s on the street(“free”). In the case of the prison relationship, you know the guy you’re dealing with isn’t sleeping with anyone….well unless he’s an undercover, and if that’s the case, then he DEFINITELY ain’t for you. On the other hand, some guys on the street are not only sleeping around, but are also very capable of filling their women’s heads with hopes and wishes of a future they have no plans of delivering on; the same characteristic that seems to only be applied to guys in prison (because ONLY prisoners lie smh). But believe it or not, the population of guys I’ve seen in prison that wholeheartedly love their women, outweigh the ones who are simply passing the time by playing games. I guess the bad apples just get more spotlight, but us genuine guys actually do exist in here. My best advice is to just look for signs of sincerity, while he’s away AND when he comes home. You have to develop an eye for honesty. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I assume this isn’t your first relationship, so just trust your instincts and pay attention to words AND actions because they go hand in hand. Address any uncertainty directly, and if you feel secure after the fact, proceed. If not, run for the hills. A man who truly cares for you will have no problem clearing up misunderstandings, or doing what’s needed to ease your mind. Nor will he be harsh with you when you do come to him with concerns. I’ll admit I have bad days in here, when despite being 6+ years in, the reality of this situation still hits me like a ton of bricks. But I never use thats as an excuse to lash out at my woman. She didn’t put me here, so there’s never a reason to treat her like she’s the enemy. Ever! Make sure you don’t mistake him having a “bad day” as him not caring (and vice versa). Remember, even when someone is purposely being deceptive, the mask they put up can only last for so long before true colors/intentions are revealed. #staywoke
I think its also important to clarify the difference between “jail talk” and a difficult re- entry into society(for those whose wait has come to an end). If your man comes home and he attempts to pursue a dream, and fails don’t instinctively jump on his back saying “oh I thought you were gonna do this or that,” continue to encourage him instead. If you have a stand-up guy, his main goal upon coming home will be to ensure that his family will never have to endure prison again. A stand-up guy is dead set on pulling his own weight and lightening your load significantly, if not entirely. But I will tell you this, many men go home with big plans of changing their lives for the better; for themselves and for their families. Whether it be a business venture, school, or just working a steady job to make clean money, they come out with great intentions. However, sometimes when they haven’t planned properly or don’t have access to the proper tools (because we all know correctional facilities provide everything BUT correction) these men fail, or fall short and become discouraged. This is the moment they need you most, to push them and cheer them on. Otherwise, they go right back to what’s easy, and that’s the worst decision, because its puts them right back on track to that revolving door. Remember, when you sign(ed) on to wait for him, that included the journey of his reentry, which has its own challenges, but isn’t impossible to conquer. Planning and patience on both parts are key.
Trust and believe in God. Be patient and assist in any way you can…. DON’T TAKE ON THE JOURNEY FOR HIM; LET HIM BE A MAN, BUT LEAD HIS CHEERING SECTION. Now if your man is talking crazy about getting back to the bag by way of the streets, then reevaluate your situation altogether and decide what you want based on that. Women are amazingly intelligent creatures and most times know what they want from their man. They also know when the man they’re with ain’t about shit, but they love him anyway and sometimes allow that love to blindfold them and taint their decision making. At the end of the day, you must do what’s best for you, so grab your big girl panties and follow your heart……or as my wife would put it “Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.”
I hope this helps someone on their journey. Love, in any setting or arrangement will never be “hard”. Yes there will be disagreements, yes there will be challenges but it should not be a warzone between you and your mate. Communicate often and honestly and be patient with each other. Love is growing as a unit, but still allowing your mate to grow as an individual. Its not always easy, but my guess is it’ll ALWAYS be worth it.
-Abdur Rauf Qayem
December 18, 2017 at 1:13 pm
“Squinting my eyes” looking for the lie and i don’t see NOT ONE!!! I swear i felt like i was reading a sermon!!! Yes! He spoke the truth!! And if people are true with themselves they will have some gems to take away from this! Bravo!
(Final edit)
LikeLike
December 18, 2017 at 8:07 pm
Lol @ “squintin my eyes” u so extra 😂😂😘
LikeLike
December 18, 2017 at 5:18 pm
Outstanding, , and Crisp, Eloquent,Empathic,and Profound!!! Big ups to your King Hadiyya Qayem!! This one definately touched my Soul!!! 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 18, 2017 at 5:52 pm
Thank you sis😘
LikeLike
December 18, 2017 at 6:32 pm
Very well stated bigbra. Extremely proud of you two. Love♥️ conquers all.
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 18, 2017 at 8:05 pm
😘😘😘
LikeLike
December 18, 2017 at 8:02 pm
Loved this. His down to earth honesty is like a breath of fresh air. It touched my heart and I hope he writes more
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 18, 2017 at 8:06 pm
Awww, im happy you ladies are receptive to his pov and I will def let him kno the ppl want more lol😊
LikeLike
December 18, 2017 at 8:04 pm
Lol @ “squintin my eyes” u so extra 😂😂😘
LikeLike
December 19, 2017 at 12:07 am
Absolutely loved this❤️ Thank you for making this journey with us all !!
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 19, 2017 at 12:15 am
Beautiful well spoken i salute your husband your King for giving us wisdom! Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 19, 2017 at 12:27 am
You’re very welcome😘😘
LikeLike
December 19, 2017 at 1:43 am
I gained much needed clarity from this article. Very well written & transparent af. I love y’all love 💖
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 19, 2017 at 1:47 am
😊😊😊😘
LikeLike
December 19, 2017 at 3:03 am
Excellently written,,, Advice to the wise,, hope for the hearts searching and awaiting love.,, very real,, resonates within my heart of hearts,, got me thinking,,, love this,,,
LikeLiked by 1 person
December 19, 2017 at 12:42 pm
😊😊😘 thank you
LikeLike
December 21, 2017 at 6:57 am
Excellent read!
LikeLike
December 28, 2017 at 9:51 pm
This was a GREAT read I needed this I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me in exchange of ASSURANCE!! Like I’ve tld u In a previous comment I met my dude in jail the ONLY problem I’m havn is gettn my moms on board..I’ve tried everything talkn to her,askn her to tlk to him so she cn gt a better feel frm him but she’s nt budging U knw parents always once wats best but sometimes things dnt always pan out tht way…I just wnt her to xcept and b happy w me…Do u hve any advice on wat I cn do to hve my mom try to kinda gt on board? How did ur mom and Dad take it?
LikeLiked by 2 people
December 28, 2017 at 10:10 pm
Im glad u enjoyed it, husband really puts a lot of thought into his posts to make sure the readers get a clear pic.
Awwww im sorry to hear ur mom’s reception of him wasn’t good but unfortunately its to be expected. Even though my mom knew my husband from when we were together as teens, and knew that i was back in touch w him…she wasnt excited AT ALL when she found out we were planning to get married. But i expected it, so i took the verbal lashing she sent my way and kept right on loving him. It was bittersweet not having her there to share our day, but i made the decision that my day would be special and I only wanted people who were happy for us there. She spoke to me about it afterwards and asked why she wasn’t invited and i explained to her that the convos and attitude she had about it wasnt conducive to the energy i wanted around. I shared my blog w her which i think helped a bit too and explained my point of view to her. She even got on the phone w him one day whn he called while she was at my house. I get that parents want the best for us, but they must also understand that we’re not living FOR them. We hv to do what best for us, and even if we fall or get hurt along the way, its still a learning experience. Idk, there’s really no one thing that will change things, you just kinda hv to be patient and let ur mom come around to accepting it in her own time. I think for my mom, it was the realization that her not “approving” wasn’t gonna stop anything. She’d just end up watching from the sidelines and neither of us wants that. She’s even on my husband’s visitor list so im waitin for her to come w me to see him.
Id suggest just talkin to ur mom. Ask her about her fears for u in the situation bcuz thats all it really is…fear that he’ll hurt u or take advantage of u….try to reassure her thats that not the case. Hell, show her my blog. Seeing that its possible for these types of relationships to be genuine will prob soften her heart and make her more willing to open up to u guy’s relationship. I really wish u the best and thank you for supporting my blog. This convo def got my wheels turning about another topic to approach. Hopefully i can get my mom to give some input too*🤞🏽*
Good luck😘
LikeLike
December 28, 2017 at 10:02 pm
I put the wrong email it’s t419@yahoo.com🤦🏾♀️
LikeLike
February 15, 2018 at 2:37 am
Asalaamu Alaikum My Bro &Sis , Great read !! May Allah (swt) Make it easy on you guys , your husband passage was right on time & very familiar… I can truly relate , May Allah reward you guys … Shukran Jazakallah
LikeLike
March 5, 2018 at 1:03 am
I was just told about your blog this evening and this was article popped out at me. Being that they know one another so well it suprised me how a lot of the things he mention I felt at first. But he opened my eyes alittle here and made me think and your husband is 100% right. Well written and well said. I am happy he told Lue about your blog. At times I have fears and worry but it’s good to be able to see that other girlfriends and wives go through the same thinight.
LikeLiked by 1 person
March 5, 2018 at 1:07 am
Awww I’m happy u enjoyed it. I had to look at the names to figure out who u were but ur def not alone on this weird ass journey lol.
LikeLike