I get it. We wanna be their everything all the time and shower them with all the love they’ll ever need. And all the love they’re not getting in that dark, gloomy and treacherous place. I. GET. IT. I’ve done it, in the past and even now. The difference? Now I know when to say when. And I know that he won’t always like it, but he’s a grown man, he’ll get over it. But most importantly, he’ll understand and support my decision.
In this life, it’s easy…VERY EASY to become his secretary, his go to girl. “Girl you better be his assistant!”😂😂😂(hey Mrs. Becks) Especially when you have regular contact (calls, emails, visits) with your man. I think sometimes us being so available (whether its by chance or just because you don’t have much to do) makes them forget that there’s a whole world of life and responsibilities going on out here for us as well. So it’s really on us to assist where we can, but also make it known to them when we need a break.
And it’s not to be selfish or create suspicion on their end, but…don’t be afraid to admit that you’re tired/overwhelmed/sad/stressed/depressed. If he’s a man that truly cares about you of course he’ll be a bit disappointed but he’ll also understand that you need to do what you must, so you can be at your best. If you being your top priority is an issue for him…..leave. #PERIODT
For a while I had this mindset that if I didn’t damn near burn myself out going above and beyond in a relationship, I’d be abandoned (slight daddy issue thing I’m working through, but awareness is the 1st step right?) And it would be to the point that I’d let my self get so overwhelmed and overworked until it all boiled over. I’d lash out about something so insignificant as a result of not speaking up sooner and simply saying “I need a break” or “I don’t want to.” It took a long time for me to realize that I didn’t owe anybody my anything. And while sometimes there’d be a valid reason for a “No,” sometimes the reason was also simply that I didn’t feel like it, no matter how small the task was….”No”.
Being in the relationship I’m currently in, I still struggle with it sometimes. I think its in small part due to my past, but also because I’m a giving lover; it makes me happy to make my man happy so above and beyond is usually where I go lol. But because I’ve communicated that flaw/weakness (or whatever you wanna call it) to my husband, he does his part by simply paying attention and sometimes rephrasing his request. “Hey babe do you FEEL LIKE doing xyz for me?” As opposed to asking the question with the assumption that I want to do something, but will I or won’t I? Small things, big difference.
We’ve also recently made an agreement to deliberately check in on each other’s mental/emotional state. In our regular convos, we usually ask about each other’s day…basic stuff “What did you do?” “What did you eat?” “How’s your day going?” But we decided that it’s important to also focus on what we might not see, or what the other person might need some encouragement to even share. “How are you feeling today?” “What’s on your mind?” “Is there anything you need more/less of from me today/this week?” etc.
From the beginning of this journey, we praised ourselves on our constant and transparent communication with one another. And it’s paying off for us both as individuals and as a unit. I’ve gotten the point that sometimes I enjoy(for lack of a better word) our disagreements because I’m confident that on the other side we’ll both come out a tad bit wiser, more patient and just more in love with each other. And y’all know I’m down for some love🥰. It’s really a beautiful thing to experience so definitely speak up.
The goal is to communicate. There’s nothing you/we can do for anyone if we’re not taking any time to focus on ourselves. It doesn’t take away from who you are as a woman/mate and it certainly doesn’t make you selfish to stop and focus solely on you. Some of us are wives, moms, business owners, sisters, friends, employees ….many of us are all of those things and more, so it’s only right that we take the necessary time to regroup and recharge before getting back to being everyone’s super-woman.