Written by “Mrs -GE 6309”

We tend to get this question a lot and she answers quite eloquently – so here you go –

“When people find out how long I have been married to someone incarcerated, one of the quickest questions I receive is ā€œWhat about sex?ā€ I respond ā€œWhat about it?ā€ It is completely inappropriate to inquire about another personā€™s sex life, which is why I ask the person why and how this is their business. However, the question of sex is a revealing look at the mentality of people when it comes to prison, relationships, sex and (the piece they donā€™t consider)ā€¦intimacy, as it often leads my inquisitor to respond with ā€œI donā€™t see how you do it.ā€ And, this is where I educate them.

We live in such a sexualized world. Sex permeates every aspect of our lives, from direct references to the slightest innuendo. Some say sex is the most important part of a relationship. If that were true, relationships separated by distance and time would be flaccid, but that is not the case. When you are in a relationship removed from sex, thoughts and urges wane.

Intimacy is not a function of the anatomy. It is a function of the heart and at the center of that heart is communication. Communication is the tool by which intimacy enters. In this type of relationship, you canā€™t use sex to fix an argument or pass the time, you have to communicate. Intimacy is the ability to connect on a level so deep it transcends physicality and understanding. Intimacy is the by-product of communicating with love.

Iā€™m able to be with my husband because we have true intimacy. I hear his heartbeat from the inside. I read the sound of his voice. I know the wounds and hurts before the words are spoken. I see the weariness that hides behind his eyes. I possess powers no other woman has because he only communicates with me, as in he allows me to see him stripped-down naked without masks, presumptions, or ego. Sex is fleeting, a moment in time, or a washed-off action in jest. Intimacy is a fingerprint on the soul. His hand print is on my heart. This is how I do it. Education complete.”šŸ˜˜

Q1. Do you have true intimacy with your partner?
Q2. Whatā€™s the difference between sex and intimacy for you?”

MY RESPONSES
A1. Yes, I feel as though my husband and I have true intimacy even in the absence of the physical aspect.

A2. Sex to me, is the physical manifestation of our communication, compassion, attraction…. the final step in the intimacy process. Of course in a traditional relationship/marriage those steps of the intimacy process get a bit rearranged (not that that’s a problem) but specifically for us and the limits that incarceration impose, physical intimacy HAS to be the last step. Intimacy is understanding, its knowing when to give advice and when to just be an ear. It’s encouraging and coaching one another through difficult times or decisions, its purposeful honesty, its inside jokes and reassurance. It’s words accompanied by actions; intimacy is all the things that make you smile when someone mentions the name of your significant other. For us, intimacy is the confidence that we’re in this thing(life) together no matter what comes our way and the security of knowing we’re constantly cultivating a marriage that builds us both as individualsand AND as a unit.

Sex…well sex will be the sweet, fluffy icing on the cakešŸŽ‚šŸ˜‹.

***Caption from IG:@my_life_as_a_prisonwife